Episode Transcript
[00:00:25] Speaker A: To modern mixtape navigating parenthood. I'm your host, Jim, along with my wife, Jenny. We're two parents born in the 70s, raised in the 80s, love music from the 90s, raising kids in the. Frankly, just trying to figure it all out. Let's dive into the mixtape of modern parenting. This is modern mixtape. Listen wherever you get your podcast and follow us on Instagram X and threads.
[00:00:48] Speaker B: Welcome back. We've got Peyton for another bonus episode.
Yeah, she's home from spring break. We're taking full advantage.
[00:01:01] Speaker C: This.
[00:01:01] Speaker B: This one I'm excited about because I'm.
[00:01:06] Speaker C: Smiling and it's making her super excited.
[00:01:07] Speaker B: Yeah, I think you'll probably eventually get a tattoo of this on your arm.
[00:01:12] Speaker C: Oh, no. It's going to be, like, probably a bigger piece that will feed into everything.
No, it's going to be, like, on the side, and it's going to feed into a bunch of other stuff.
[00:01:23] Speaker A: I can't say anything.
[00:01:24] Speaker C: I'm so excited.
[00:01:25] Speaker B: This one is interesting because last episode, we talked about failure, and my mom actually brought this up after the one in a row episode. And I think with your generation, there is so much pressure to be perfect because of social media. And I've noticed since you've been at college, you're not on social media as much anymore. And my mom was actually saying after she heard the one in a row episode that your generation sees everything in snippets. Like, you see, like, a makeup look or, like, you see baking a cake.
[00:02:02] Speaker C: And one TikTok, or, like, TikTok and Instagram reels.
[00:02:05] Speaker B: That's how we like, a real today's trends, like 30 seconds or a minute. And so you guys don't see everything that went into that. And so the concept of starting or trying something, it's got to be hard because you don't see everything that went into that. So that whole concept of that person probably failed three or four times before that makeup look or the cake was perfect. Yeah, you just see, oh, look, it's perfect. And so having that space to fail, we talked about with you on your bonus episode. But how do you navigate that? And I know you've done a lot of work with your therapist. We've done a lot of work as parents. But how did you get to where you are?
[00:02:53] Speaker C: I think we're still going on that journey of where we're going from here. But I think a biggest thing is I noticed that I'm really not on social media a whole lot ever since I got to college. I really am not.
I realize I don't have the time to be on it. I don't. I literally am always constantly going and realizing that what you see on social media from either college athletes or from just people who are going to school in general, I see some of these morning routines that girls that go to Alabama or something like that, and they have the perfect bed and everything like that. And I just look at my bed when I wake up and I'm like, it looks like a tornado went through. Like, it looks like it just got destroyed. And I just realized that those expectations, you can't put what other people's expectations are on yourself. Like, you can't do that to yourself.
Social media is just so many. It's painted to look a certain way.
I barely see any people posting very candid things of what a day in a life of college looks like. Because if I did like a day in the life of me going to school and then having to go ride my horse and all the things like that, it would be, like, so chaotic. It would be so chaotic. Because sometimes I'm like, oh, shoot, I need to go to Walmart and get groceries or gas. And it's like, you remember those things and it's not realistic.
[00:04:20] Speaker B: But how did you get there in the space? Because we've had moments with you and you go down the well, we call it kamikaze.
How did you get to the place where you can speak so candidly about it and you're comfortable not being on social media all the time. How did you get to that space and work through all of those moments? Because I know there were points in high school where it was really difficult, and we came up with the code word, the keyword kamikaze, to kind of be that cue for you. Like, hey, pull the nose of the plane up 100%.
[00:05:03] Speaker C: So getting from there to just getting there was just realizing you're not missing anything. You're really not. Live your life. Your life isn't going to be lived through a screen. It's going to be lived how you make yourself to live. It's going to be what you paint your life to be. So if you paint your life to be where you're not doing anything and stuff like that, that's what your life is going to be. Because that's what you told yourself. If you tell yourself, I'm going to do this, this and this, it's going to happen because you're putting yourself and working towards that, and that's why those things will happen, because you're working towards that. And I think from both my parents, I've learned. Well, from you guys, I've just learned that that's huge for me, is the determination and the grit that you have to have when it's either in work or with just life in general. I mean, you all two, both, raising the three of us jackals is a little. It can be a little rough sometimes, I think.
[00:06:06] Speaker B: Well, I think having our house is definitely different than most houses with two of you on the autism spectrum.
So it is really different. And I think it's different than when we grew up because you guys have social media, and it's a really different thing you guys are facing. And then having the two kids on the spectrum, how you guys process information, and when you start to kind of get into those cycles of perseverating on things or something like that, it is really different.
[00:06:52] Speaker C: It is.
I feel like we haven't heard Jim. Sorry.
[00:06:56] Speaker A: Oh, no. I'm letting you guys talk.
[00:06:58] Speaker B: I want to interrupt, but I think through high school, where we kind of started to see it is you were, like, being really hard on yourself.
[00:07:06] Speaker C: I was.
[00:07:07] Speaker B: As you were starting to kind of figure it out, and you were really hard charging. And as parents, we're like, man, you're getting straight A's. You're doing really good. You're doing all the right stuff.
[00:07:17] Speaker C: But you were still like, it's not enough.
[00:07:20] Speaker B: Yeah. And that's where we're like, let's pull the nose of the plane up. And that's where the term kamikaze kind of came from.
[00:07:28] Speaker A: There was a lot of nights in there that Peyton fell apart 100%, presents really well, and then comes home and just turns into a puddle.
[00:07:36] Speaker C: Yeah.
The amount of times I can't say enough, I'm sure. Obviously, my friends and lots of family see me around, and I'm very bubbly, happy, kind, very highly spirited, everything like that. And I'm having a great time. But there has been days, or I've called either my parents from college, and I've been like, dude, I just need to cry. I've had a day. This is exhausting. I just need a minute to just have my five minute freak out. And that's been realizing that it's okay to have those moments. You don't need to bottle it all up and hold it to yourself. That's something I'm still working on to this day, is realizing I can call my parents anytime, even though I am out of state at college.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
And it's funny you mentioned the five minute freak out. We'll talk about that. But do you think part of that is the autism and anxiety and maybe talk about that a little bit?
[00:08:35] Speaker C: So just to say it, I guess, for the record, I am on the autism spectrum, and I got diagnosed when I was four. Correct?
[00:08:43] Speaker B: Four, five, four and a half.
[00:08:45] Speaker C: Four, four and a half.
So I got diagnosed, and at that point, it was at a point where my mom, I would say, the way I've looked at it is you were like, how do I get her the tools for her to be successful?
[00:08:59] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, it's always been about the tools. It's never been about changing you. Autism doesn't define you.
[00:09:04] Speaker C: No.
[00:09:05] Speaker B: It's just about getting you the tools. So you could be the most successful 100% person for you. Absolutely. It's just one piece of you, but it doesn't define who you are. And that's kind of how it's been from the very beginning. I don't know how it was because.
[00:09:22] Speaker A: That'S for another episode.
[00:09:23] Speaker B: Yeah. Just so everybody knows, and we'll talk about it in another episode. But we have two kiddos on the spectrum. Peyton's brother is also on the spectrum. Yes.
I love that kid, though.
[00:09:39] Speaker C: He's awesome.
[00:09:43] Speaker A: He is. But he has anxiety, and he perseverates about everything.
[00:09:46] Speaker C: Oh, absolutely.
With the autism, getting told from people that I've met, me getting told the very common comment of, she doesn't look like she has autism. I don't know what you're talking about.
[00:10:01] Speaker A: So I'm glad you brought that up because that's my favorite comment that people make. They don't look autistic.
I learned early on with our middle child that his therapist said, well, you've seen one autistic child. Congratulations. You've seen one autistic child.
[00:10:18] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:19] Speaker A: They're all different.
[00:10:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:20] Speaker C: And that's the thing I think not a lot of people understand is that kids who are on the autism spectrum range from people like myself and my brother to functioning, high functioning, and very much like we need every detail so we feel successful, and I think that's how we operate because we like to be in the know. I definitely know that surprises don't work for me. They just don't. I will always find a way to figure it out. That's just the way I am, because my anxiety crosses with the not knowing and then not knowing how to prepare myself for it and not having that is something that stresses me out to another level. So whenever I don't know what's going on, whether we're going on a trip, and I don't know what's going need. I need that clarification. I need that, like, as something my parents say, clear is kind, unclear is unkind.
[00:11:08] Speaker A: Shout out to Brene Brown for that one.
[00:11:10] Speaker B: Yes. But do you think that's where the perseveration comes?
[00:11:17] Speaker C: So I noticed. I'll keep perseverating on things until I get an answer. That's what I am, and I think that's something I've noticed throughout life.
[00:11:24] Speaker A: So I have a question. Is it until you get an answer, or is it until you get the answer you want?
[00:11:28] Speaker C: I think it's until I get the answer I want.
[00:11:31] Speaker B: And that's absolutely true, as much with you as it is with your brother.
[00:11:35] Speaker C: Because I think when I was younger, I did the perseverance until I got the answer I wanted, but now my perseveration is, oh, my God, when is it going to happen? It's the anticipation. It's almost like I'm sitting in a hot seat, like I'm waiting to go well.
[00:11:50] Speaker B: And I think now with the failure on things, I think you have a different perspective because I think you've done a lot of work with your therapist, and I think you kind of understand a little bit more on things in terms of what the expectations are because you've had more experiences. And so you kind of understand, for example, like going to college, you've put in the effort on studying, and if you got, like an 85 on a test, I think about some of those exams.
[00:12:25] Speaker C: I'll take an 85 over a 70 any day.
[00:12:28] Speaker B: Okay. But in high school, oh, gosh, you would have melted down. I mean, the plane is going down, going down. You would have melted down about an 85. But I think it's your experience and the work you've done that's helped you not completely kamikaze over an 85 in college. Yeah.
[00:12:48] Speaker C: I realized what really kind of made my mental mind game shift was not only realizing that I have done a lot of work, and you wouldn't normally see a kid who's on the autism spectrum do what I do. To this day, you wouldn't. The fact that I'm competing on a collegiate writing team, the fact that I moved out of state and am going to school and everything like that, that's huge.
[00:13:11] Speaker A: Yeah. You're navigating a lot.
[00:13:13] Speaker C: You don't expect a kid who's on the spectrum to do all that, because with what people say when they see someone who's autistic, they think, oh, they're going to be with their parents for the rest of the time, their parents can never let them go.
[00:13:27] Speaker A: Well, that's interesting, because you said expect. See, I don't expect you guys to be at home all the time. I expect you guys. My expectation, our expectation. Definitely my expectation. I expect you guys to go out and find your own path.
[00:13:40] Speaker C: Oh, absolutely. And I'm glad that I have, and I'm glad that I'm still navigating that path. It's not like it's a defined road. I feel like I'm now kind of putting little forks and little different paths that are kind of feeding into the main road.
[00:13:52] Speaker A: So do you feel like you're still working in a very black and white, yes or no type of world, or do you feel like you've let in a little bit more of the gray area?
[00:14:00] Speaker C: I think in certain situations, I definitely have let in the gray area, but it's very hard for me because my anxiety gets really kind of ramped up in those moments when it's just gray area.
And to kind of specify on what the black and white is, it's either yes or no. There's no yes, no. Maybe no. It's like, it's a yes or no for me. That's how it works. I can't take the whole, like, well, maybe. I don't know. And I'm like, I cannot stand that. I don't know. That's like, the one thing I can't stand anymore. Whenever someone says, I don't know, I lose my mind. Yeah. And I think I've picked that up from my mom because I know my mom will be like, my siblings will say, I don't know, and that's just because they're younger than me.
[00:14:41] Speaker B: Well, I think you're learning to navigate it because we've talked through it. Absolutely. I think we've had to kind of teach you that that is part of life and that that is okay to be in that gray area, but you have to understand the why behind it.
And that kind of leads into what really is real stress versus fake stress, and that's something we've kind of had to kind of work on with all of the kids.
[00:15:18] Speaker A: So what would you say is real stress, and what would you say is fake stress?
[00:15:21] Speaker B: Where this actually came from? And I wish I could remember the name of the speaker. I heard this speaker. She was a professor on the east coast, and she came to speak at one of your work events. One of my work events. And she was a professor, and she actually was talking about how one of her students came in and said, I need you to change this grade. Like, my life is going to be over. And this was right around the time of the Boston Marathon bombing, and she was like, this is not real stress. This is not real stress.
[00:16:02] Speaker A: Your life is not going to end.
[00:16:04] Speaker B: Because your life is not going to end because you got to see on this paper that is fake stress. Real stress are the people who have just passed away in the families of the Boston Marathon. So let's compartmentalize about what's real stress versus fake stress. And I had never thought about stress in that type of manner before. Yeah. And as a family, we've gone through a lot of stuff, ups and downs that we'll definitely get into on the podcast. But that really helped me compartmentalize, especially with kids on the autism spectrum, especially when you nosedive through high school. You were, like, nosediving almost every day about something.
[00:16:50] Speaker C: Every day.
[00:16:51] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:52] Speaker C: If I didn't find something to nose dive about, I would purposely find something to nosedive about. And then I know she, my mom or Jim would be like, dude, are you really this stressed out about this, or is this just something that you're just trying to find something to be stressed out about?
[00:17:05] Speaker B: But then later on, the perseveration that often comes with kids on the spectrum, they then start to perseverate on it, and you can't pull the nose of the plane up. So coin the term kamikaze. So then it's, let's look at what you're really stressing about, and we'll go back to the grade thing.
[00:17:22] Speaker C: Like, absolutely.
[00:17:23] Speaker B: You got.
[00:17:26] Speaker C: You. Really.
[00:17:27] Speaker B: Is that real stress? Or is someone. And I'll use myself.
Is someone's health or someone who's in war? The people in Ukraine, because that's going on right now. That's, like, real stress. Those people are facing horrible things going on. That's real stress. You getting an 85, that's not. That's fake stress. It's uncomfortable in the moment. It's maybe not the grade you wanted. That's a bummer. It's a bummer.
It's a bummer. Maybe you study differently. Yeah. It's a want wap moment.
[00:18:02] Speaker C: It's a wamp wap moment.
[00:18:03] Speaker B: And so that's where. Now, that's a tool that Peyton has, that she can kind of help compartmentalize.
[00:18:11] Speaker C: Her stress, realizing that if I at least get above a 60, I take that any day at this point in college, in high school, if I got a 70, I would be literally at the teacher's desk being like, what can I do to get this up to an A?
[00:18:26] Speaker B: Yeah. But then I think also we learned that giving you and us the space to have those five minute freakouts, we call it five minute freak outs. A little bit of grace because you want to validate your feelings and everybody has the right to be upset. But freaking out more than five minutes.
[00:18:47] Speaker C: It'S not worth it.
[00:18:48] Speaker B: No, it's not worth it.
[00:18:49] Speaker C: At that point, you're just wasting time and energy that you could be putting to something else. That's how I look at it.
[00:18:53] Speaker A: Like getting yourself back on track.
[00:18:55] Speaker B: Exactly. Literally.
But taking five minutes to freak out and kind of going, man, this really sucked. Freaking out about it, but then going, okay, I freaked out about it for five minutes and now I'm going to go.
So that's where the term five minute freak out came from. And I think that has really helped Peyton, especially when you've been away at.
[00:19:17] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:19:17] Speaker B: When you've gotten stressed out about stuff. Freak out, but not kamikaze for. Yeah.
[00:19:23] Speaker C: And so to kind of explain what you kind of said earlier about, you're like, I think you'll get a tattoo about this. It's basically going to be a biplane and there's going to be a bunny in the biplane. And it's basically going to mean, like, the bunny means don't go down the rabbit hole and the biplane means don't kamikaze. And I would want to do that and get it because that's like such a cool thing. And so just got to find the right person. So if you're a tattoo artist and you listen to this podcast, please let me know if you can do this because I really want this tattoo.
[00:19:50] Speaker B: So she's definitely our child.
That's a good way to end it, I think. A way to end the kamikaze. Yeah.
[00:20:01] Speaker C: And another little tidbit about just before we kind of wrap it up fully is if you see someone who's on the autism spectrum, treat them the same as every other kid, but also realize if there's anything you can help them with, if there's clarification or anything, they just need some extra help or anything like that, please give that to them.
Don't just not give that to them, because we as kids need it. We as adults need it.
It's so important. And I'm just kind of advocating not only for myself and my brother, but for all the other kids that are probably going through and adults that are going through the same thing because I think when an adult finds out a kid has autism.
I don't know. It's a very much like, you look at the kid or the adult, and you're like, I don't know. You push them to the side. You kind of just put them out of sight, out of mind.
[00:20:56] Speaker A: There's kind of two trains of thought there. You either freak out and go, oh, my God, what do I do? Or, hey, how do I get on the horse and make it work for this kid?
[00:21:07] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, and I would say not even kid, because I'm thinking about it now. We have two kids that are now young adults with autism, and they're facing a whole totally different set of things because they're now entering the world as adults. Adults. And it's very different.
[00:21:25] Speaker A: Yeah, there's a lot to navigate.
[00:21:26] Speaker B: There's a lot to navigate. And I don't think there's as many services or things for them, and they have to approach it very differently as adults.
It's something to think about.
[00:21:40] Speaker C: I just want to make sure I said that. That's really important to me because I always, especially now when last episode, if you guys listen to this, you guys know that I want to be a therapeutic writing instructor, the whole deal. And so we handle a bunch of different things, whether it's autism, anxiety, any kind of mental disorder, or any physical PTSD.
[00:21:58] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:21:58] Speaker C: 100% with war veterans and everything like that, because we want to help everybody. And truly, it's made a change in my life, and I think my parents can agree.
[00:22:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:22:07] Speaker A: Good.
[00:22:08] Speaker B: Well, thanks for joining us. And as we wrap up another episode of modern mixtape, we want to thank you for tuning in and sharing this journey through Parenthood with us. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:17] Speaker C: Thanks, Faye.
[00:22:29] Speaker B: Modern mixtape is produced and recorded by Jenny and Jim Prudent, edited and mixed by Greybear Erickson at the sanctuary theme song written and performed by Greybear Erickson.
