Episode Transcript
[00:00:24] Speaker A: Welcome to modern mixtape navigating parenthood. I'm your host, Jim, along with my wife, Jenny. We're two parents born in the seventies, raised in the eighties, love music from the nineties, and raising kids in the two thousands and just trying to figure it all out. Let's dive into the mixtape of modern parenting. This is modern mixtape. Listen wherever you get your podcasts and follow us on all socials.
[00:00:47] Speaker B: So we've been together for nine years this year.
We've changed a lot. How open do you think you are to change?
[00:00:59] Speaker A: I'm actually pretty open to change.
I've been pretty stubborn over the years, and it's been hard to change a lot of stuff, but it's.
Yeah, no, I think change is necessary. I think it's needed. I think it's okay to get out of your comfort zone and change things up a little bit and change some things about yourself.
Definitely. What about you? Are you open to change?
[00:01:24] Speaker B: I would say yes. I think it's taken me a while to get there. I mean, I definitely believe in change, but I think I have to work on it. You know? I think there's things where, like, in business, totally open to change. I think that's what makes you good at what. What makes you strong. But I think there are certain things, like, in our. In my parenting life, for example, like the kitchen. I like things a certain way, you know? And I'll be the first to admit it, like, you bring in a new kitchen gadget, and I'm like, dude, totally don't need this. But then a month later, I'll be like, oh, this is actually pretty great. So that's what I mean by I am, to a certain extent, and then I have to push myself out of.
[00:02:12] Speaker A: So changing business is good.
Home life a little bit more difficult.
[00:02:16] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:02:17] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah. See, for me, in the work that I've done, I am a creature of habit.
[00:02:24] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:02:25] Speaker A: And I mean, really good habits and really good habits. I mean, if you keep doing them and keep doing them and keep doing them, it'll set you up for success. Yeah.
[00:02:34] Speaker B: Well, and that's.
[00:02:35] Speaker A: Sometimes, though, you do have to change some of those habits.
[00:02:38] Speaker B: No. And I think over the nine years, we've changed a lot as a couple, as parents, as people. And I think sometimes we've gotten it right.
Sometimes we have not gotten it right. And this is what, our third regular episode.
[00:02:57] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:02:58] Speaker B: And I was thinking about it, you know, we've heard some different stuff, and I was thinking about why, over the course of this nine years, we've had that space to change. Cause we really have changed a lot. And so I was thinking about that and thought it would be good to kind of dive into.
[00:03:21] Speaker A: Mm hmm. I agree.
[00:03:24] Speaker B: So why do you think we've had that space to change?
[00:03:28] Speaker A: Honestly?
[00:03:28] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:03:29] Speaker A: It's probably grace giving each other grace.
[00:03:32] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:03:33] Speaker A: Well, let's get into it.
[00:03:35] Speaker B: Okay.
So you actually mentioned it why you think you are open to change, and you said change is necessary. Yes, and I think that's true. And I think we touched on that in episode one for me.
And I think it's interesting we both kind of feel the same way, that a little bit of change constantly is good. And that gets back to kind of my Kaizen philosophy, that a little bit of change is a good thing.
I think that goes along with growth, that you have to have that kind of open space to have that change and also have a partner who wants to change with you. And I think that's one of the reasons we've been open to change.
[00:04:32] Speaker A: Yeah, well, growth is absolutely necessary. I mean, if you're not growing, what are you doing? Yeah, it's just, like, if you don't change a couple things, you're just gonna keep doing the same thing, you know? Why should I keep kicking the rock? Why don't I just go around it?
[00:04:44] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:04:45] Speaker B: But I think that's, like, for me, like, very open to change in business. You know, like, you look at, like, I pivoted my career, but I think I was more open to change as a parent with you because we were open to changing together. You know, like, I went from a parent of one to a parent of three. You know, I went from a parent.
[00:05:08] Speaker A: Of two to a parent of three. I mean, not much of a switch for me.
[00:05:12] Speaker B: I was gonna say that's just one more body. But, you know, I think that really has to do with the partner, that both of you guys being on the same page and having that philosophy of being open to change.
[00:05:26] Speaker A: Yeah. Well, that, you know, communication and all that stuff. I mean, you can't. You can't change if you don't talk.
[00:05:34] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:05:35] Speaker A: You know, you gotta understand what the other person's feeling.
[00:05:38] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:05:39] Speaker A: And give them the space to, you know, to be able to say something comfortably and just, you know, without fear of any kind of backlash or anything like that.
[00:05:50] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:05:51] Speaker B: For us, that kind of touches on having that space to fail and not get it right. And I think that's kind of one of the big key things.
[00:06:01] Speaker A: Yeah, we were. I think in the episode with Peyton, we were. We touched on that. That we had given her space to fail. And, you know, she was. She was saying how, you know, she thought we were all perfect and everything was, you know, we never fail.
So, you know, when you get a chance to show your kids that you don't always get it right, I think it opens our eyes up to, oh, wow, maybe I don't have to be perfect all the time.
[00:06:27] Speaker B: I had never even thought about phrasing it that way.
But when she said the space to fail and that when she said, oh, I can mess up and then come back and have a discussion, I thought that was so insightful.
Cause then one of her friends said, oh, well, I don't have that space to kind of mess up.
[00:06:52] Speaker A: Yeah. Which kind of threw me off.
[00:06:54] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:06:55] Speaker B: And then. But that's kind of what made me want to have this kind of talk with you. Because I think that's why we've been able to grow as parents and as partners. Cause I think we've given each other that space to fail and mess up as we've changed as parents and as people over the course of our marriage. And I thought that was really insightful, the way she phrased it, because you do have to have room to mess up.
I think you learn more from failure.
[00:07:30] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, of course.
[00:07:33] Speaker B: But in that space for failure, you have to really acknowledge the other person's feelings.
Sometimes you get it right and sometimes you don't. But it doesn't mean the feelings aren't valid, you know, as they're kind of going through it, especially as you're parenting.
It's that, okay, what have we learned? What are we gonna do different? And that gets back to the, okay, now, how are we gonna change and move forward?
[00:07:59] Speaker A: Right? So what do you think the key thing is as far as giving people space to fail?
What do you think's a key contributor there?
[00:08:07] Speaker B: I don't wanna say it's like normalizing failure, but people have to see you fail. And I think the older generations, you know, we talk a lot about on this podcast, the difference in the generations. I think our older generation didn't necessarily, like, they saw people mess up, but they didn't necessarily talk about it. It was just like, okay, you failed, now move on. Let's just get it done. And now this newer generation doesn't see failure at all because everything is through the eyes of a TikTok lens or an Instagram lens. There's the whole concept of, like, helicopter parents. That's a whole nother episode. But.
[00:08:49] Speaker A: Yeah, like, the example you gave me as far as, like, space to fail. You were. I think you were talking to. You were talking. You were talking to me, or you were talking to Peyton or both of us, and you said that, you know, how many times do you see these people on TikTok where they do their makeup perfect the first time? And then having to sit down with Peyton and go, how many times did you try that? Oh, I did it, like, 16 times. And then I finally got it right and her going, oh, I get it. So they've done it a bunch of times until they've gotten it perfect and then filmed it.
[00:09:18] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:18] Speaker B: So, yeah. And I think even as a mom, the girls just saw me, like, being successful with my job or something like that. They didn't see the 25 times it took me to create a course or something I was doing for my job. So when I started to see some of the things they were doing in terms of perfect, and I'm like, perfect doesn't exist. I had to start being more vocal and taking the time to talk about ways that I learned through my own failures at work, you know, because they just saw me doing all of those things, and I'm like, it took me a long time to get here and sharing those learning moments through failure with them. And I think that's something we both had to do as parents and kind of laugh through the failures.
I mean, the Christmas cards were a great example. If you listen to the last episode, not that Jim. Jim was a failure, but that sometimes things happen and you have to laugh at it and not freak out at it, because stuff is gonna go wrong. And this kind of leads into the kind of meat of the episode, is you have to give yourself Grace.
[00:10:45] Speaker A: Well, that's what I wrote down here. That's the key to giving people space to fail, is you gotta give them grace.
[00:10:52] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:10:52] Speaker A: Grace is an absolute must.
[00:10:55] Speaker B: But I think it's really hard to learn.
[00:10:58] Speaker A: It is. It is hard to learn grace.
I mean, when we first met, I.
I was very stubborn in everything that I did, and, no, it's gotta be this way. And I just.
I didn't. I don't think I gave it a 50 50 shot, like, oh, I'll listen, and then, no, it was just more like, okay, I'm doing it my way, and that's it. And I'll just keep fighting my own head and be stubborn about it. And then I had to stop and go, okay, maybe I should stop and think about this.
[00:11:32] Speaker B: And then I was coming from a place of being a single mom. And so I was very kind of protective of myself and my space, and it was just easier if I did everything myself.
[00:11:41] Speaker A: And, well, you are also very independent. I mean, you were flying off for work trips, and then you come back, and then it's, like, time to play mom again, and then it's off for work trips, and. Yeah, I don't even know how you juggled it.
[00:11:53] Speaker B: Um, but Grace is really hard to learn, because for me, it became just starting with a thank you. If you've done something well, just saying, oh, thanks so much. I appreciate that. If your feelings are hurt, instead of saying, it's fine, saying, actually, no, it's not fine. And that's how it's not okay with me.
[00:12:19] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:20] Speaker B: And here's what you did.
[00:12:22] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:23] Speaker A: Here's how I'm feeling. Here's how you made me feel.
[00:12:26] Speaker B: But then moving on. After you've talked about it, then moving on.
[00:12:30] Speaker A: Yeah, it's kind of like Jimmy C four.
[00:12:33] Speaker B: It's exactly that which we'll talk about in another episode. But.
And I think that's an easy way to start learning it. And that's kind of how we've slowly started teaching our kids that concept, because, especially with two kids on the spectrum, when you start getting into complex emotions, grace is up there with the 37 complex emotions, and it can be really difficult, but it's an important one because, you know, it's.
It's how we've been able to change and grow as a couple, as parents.
And I think it's something that's really important to model with the kids. And I think we were talking about the other good thing to do is celebrate the small stuff.
[00:13:26] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Every little victory counts.
[00:13:28] Speaker B: And that's a really hard concept to teach kids. Cause I think they're so focused on the big stuff that trying to be like, well, actually, to get to that big goal, there's all these little steps that you've done and put a lot of work into.
[00:13:48] Speaker A: Well, that's, like. So I really enjoy getting into the kitchen and making salsa.
I just. I don't know what it is about it. I just. Maybe it's because I enjoy salsa, but celebrating, like, little wins like that. Like, I made a pico de gallo with pineapple, and our youngest was over the moon about it. I mean, oh, my God, this is the greatest thing ever. This is the best thing I've ever eaten. And I was like, okay, well, that's a little victory. Let's celebrate that one. And then I did something else with a different one, and something. And every time I go in there and each time I do one and I get a, ooh, that's really good.
That's those little, small victories for me.
[00:14:31] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. Well.
[00:14:33] Speaker B: And I look at the transformation with our youngest one from.
She actually went out for band camp her freshman year, and it just wasn't really the right time. Cause I look at the transition, frankly, into middle school, the transition into high school. Those are tough transitions for most kids. For our three kids in particular, literally all three followed the same pattern. Those were tough transitions, and it wasn't the right time for her. So she decided to take a step back her freshman year and not do band her freshman year. But she tried out again her sophomore year, and that was huge. And I look at the progress from that moment to now, and now she's on the rifle line, and all the little successes, all the little successes it took to get her from that moment to now being on the rifle line, and it's huge. And all of our kids have those same stories from our oldest, Peyton. All the steps she took to get herself into college in an away school, our son, on some of his achievements in rock climbing, same thing. But sometimes they have a really hard time at looking at all those little steps. They just think it happened overnight. And that's where I think celebrating the small victories is really important and a key component of grace.
So in order to, I think, create that space for change and learn through failure, you have to have grace, and that's a really important thing.
[00:16:32] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. I would 100% agree.
[00:16:35] Speaker B: So, as we wrap up another episode of modern mixtape, definitely key into grace in your life and create that space for failure and walk in grace. We want to thank you for tuning in and sharing this journey of parenthood with us. And if you haven't listened to the earlier episodes, definitely tune in. Tune into those. Keep walking on this journey of parenthood, and we'll see you on the next episode.
Modern mixtape is produced and recorded by Jenny and Jim Pruden, edited and mixed by Grey Bear Erickson at the sanctuary theme song written and performed by Grey Bear Erikson.
