Episode Transcript
[00:00:15] Speaker A: Welcome to modern mixtape navigating Parenthood. I'm your host, Jim, along with my wife, Jenny. We're two parents born in the seventies, raised in the eighties, love music from the nineties, and raising kids in the two thousands. And frankly, just trying to figure it all out.
Let's dive in. The mixtape of modern parenthood. This is modern mixtape. Listen wherever you get your podcasts and follow us on all socials. And now, finally, we're on YouTube with videos soon to follow.
[00:00:42] Speaker B: Dude, that's a little scary. You put the video straight out there.
[00:00:45] Speaker A: Yeah, well, you know, we'll get there. We will.
[00:00:49] Speaker B: So we thought we'd take a moment to thank everyone who is listening. Not only do we have listeners here in the US, but in England, France, and Bermuda.
[00:01:00] Speaker A: Number one with a bullet in Bermuda.
[00:01:02] Speaker B: I know. When are we doing our first live from Bermuda?
[00:01:08] Speaker A: It can't come soon enough.
[00:01:09] Speaker B: I know.
[00:01:09] Speaker A: I think we both need a break.
[00:01:11] Speaker B: I know. But a big thank you to everyone out there who is listening.
[00:01:16] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, everybody. This means a lot.
[00:01:20] Speaker B: So have you ever uttered the phrase, I would never? And let me put a little caveat. Referring to yourself as a parent.
[00:01:31] Speaker A: It's funny that you mention this again because we were talking about this just the other day, and at first when you asked, I was like, that's not me. I'm not the, you know, I would never. And then I started thinking about it, and I thought about running club.
You know, I thought, oh, I won't be one of these parents that joins the things and. And does all the things and, you know, I'll just hang out and be supportive on the sidelines and, you know, not really, really get involved.
Part of that is, as everybody knows, I'm a widower.
And I was kind of thrown into the position of, you know, not only do I get to go and. And be on the sideline, I got to get involved. I gotta had to really, really get in these kids lives and really be as present as I possibly could. And it wasn't until I met you that you kept saying, the first couple of times we went out, you were like, I just love the fact that you're so present and you're so dedicated. And I was like, this is life, baby.
This is what we're doing.
[00:02:34] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:02:35] Speaker B: So, yeah. Well, it's funny. When I first heard that phrase, I was like, well, I'm nevering like I never have before. Cause I actually saw it on an Instagram post and I was thinking about it, and, you know, I've done now all the nevers. As a parent, I've been a Girl scout leader.
[00:02:55] Speaker A: Me too. Well, not a leader, but a Girl scout dad.
[00:02:58] Speaker B: A Girl scout dad. Been a band mom. You've been a band dad.
I've slung nacho cheese. Both for FFA. For band. You have two. I mean, I could keep going, but when I said I would never, thinking back to those things, because I definitely in my early twenties, said I would never have kids involved in girl scouts, I couldn't even fathom having banned kids. Now. I'm so thankful that I do.
I was just so young. And I look back at my mom about all the things she did, you know, sewing ridiculous costumes, being a Girl scout mom, and she did all the nevers. And I definitely am nevering like I never have before.
[00:03:45] Speaker A: I really don't think that being a parent is easy. No, it really, really isn't. Showing up is hard.
Being present is even harder.
We just might as well just. Let's go ahead and get into it.
[00:03:59] Speaker B: Yeah. We talked about my mom and thinking back to her generation and our parents, how we were raised. I was thinking about it the other day. I don't know where we were, but just maybe it's the weekend, maybe because we just had a holiday. And, you know, we feel. I feel really lucky because we're on this great cul de sac and we have an amazing community around us. It's not just like us raising our kids. You know, we can call a neighbor. We've got family around us. Thinking back, I was like, oh, it was my mom and dad who raised us, but it really wasn't, you know, I grew up with extended family around me. We grew up on this great street, so there was always people showing up or we were at barbecues.
[00:04:47] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness, the amount of barbecues I've been to.
[00:04:51] Speaker B: And so I think that it's having those extra people around you that makes you feel that sense of present, being present as a kid, I think now looking forward to, like, the difference between our two generations. I think now as a parent, like, I sometimes feel like I have to show up for everything.
And back then, my mom relied on a lot of other people to create that sense of I had all these people around me showing up and supporting, so she didn't have to do it all. But now I sometimes feel like I have to do it all and I really don't. And it's a self imposed, I tell.
[00:05:36] Speaker A: You all the time, you don't have to do it all, but it's interesting. So listening to you talk about it. I mean, yeah, I was surrounded by family a lot.
We were always together for the better part of the eighties, we got together all the time. It was Easter and Christmas and Thanksgiving and something else and 4 July, you know? And then as we started getting older, it.
We didn't do it as much, but as Gen Xers growing up, I mean, I for sure know what it's like to be told, hey, come back when the lights are on, and what are you doing sitting in the house and go outside? Yeah, it's a little. I don't know. I kept feeling like maybe my parents weren't present, but that's just not the case. They were totally present in everything that I did.
[00:06:28] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:06:29] Speaker A: You know, they just wanted me out of the house.
[00:06:31] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:06:32] Speaker B: And that's just it. And I was trying to figure it out because I'm like, both my parents worked, you know, but there were still always people around, you know, and that's it. It wasn't just my parents. It was all this sense of community. But now, I think with our generation, sometimes there's this sense that it has to be just the parents. And I don't feel that it has to be that way. And that's why I am thankful for where we live. Cause we have this great friend group that we can call, and we have that support. We certainly have the support of family.
[00:07:04] Speaker A: Around us and go do game night.
[00:07:06] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:07:07] Speaker B: You know? And we have those moments, and I think that's so important because it's really hard when both parents are working or your kids have stuff to be able to rely on that, oh, it takes a village, you know?
[00:07:22] Speaker A: It truly does.
[00:07:23] Speaker B: It really does.
[00:07:24] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:07:24] Speaker A: Going back to running club, though, that's. I don't even know how I got into that, to be honest with you. Yeah, there was just some kind of a, hey, would you like to do this?
[00:07:33] Speaker B: I'll tell you how I am. Pretty sure one of the moms at school saw you and said, you know what? You'll be great at this. And they bamboozled you and they said, nope, come on, your kids will love this. This will be great. And you were secretly voluntold, and you didn't even realize you were voluntold. That's how it works. Those PTA moms, I'm just gonna go.
[00:08:00] Speaker A: Ahead and stop you.
[00:08:01] Speaker B: They are stealthy.
[00:08:03] Speaker A: Because I saw the thing and it said, you can sign up. And I thought, hey, this will be kinda cool. And I went in and went to the first meeting. The lady that ran it, she was like, do you think you wanna do this? And I went, sure. Why not? I'll get my kids into it. So it was not voluntold. Yeah, I volunteered. I didn't know what I was getting into. I didn't know why I was volunteering. It's probably because of. Probably because of the girl scouts and all that stuff.
So I was like, man, let me just contribute.
[00:08:33] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:34] Speaker B: So, with that, do you think you were always a present parent?
[00:08:40] Speaker A: Um, yeah. I mean, there were. There were times that I felt like I wasn't present.
[00:08:46] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:47] Speaker A: But, yeah, I think for the most part, I think I've always been a present parent. I don't think I've ever really given a lot of thought.
[00:08:53] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:53] Speaker A: I just. This is what we're doing. We just get in the trenches and go and, you know, try to not hover or helicopter.
[00:09:01] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:02] Speaker A: You know, I try to. I try to give the kids, you know, as much free reign.
I say that very loosely.
As much free reign as possible. I mean, they're teenagers. They don't want to hang out with us. I get it. They want to do fun stuff with their friends and do all that stuff, and that's cool. I'm totally supportive. I mean, our middle child is a rock climbing guru.
I mean, watching that kid is just amazing.
[00:09:29] Speaker B: I think we trick them into hanging out with us. I think we've found now board games with them.
[00:09:35] Speaker A: Shout out to jackbox games.
[00:09:38] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:38] Speaker B: No, Jackbox games has been amazing to play with them, but also board games, because they then, you know, we're talking about things, and they're laughing at us for our answers. We're laughing at them for their answers. That has been great.
[00:09:52] Speaker A: But most recently, we played cards against humanity with them.
[00:09:56] Speaker B: Oh, boy.
[00:09:57] Speaker A: That was an eye opener.
[00:09:58] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:59] Speaker B: If you're not in a brave space, I would say don't play.
[00:10:03] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
100%.
[00:10:06] Speaker B: And be prepared to control your facial expressions at some of the answers put down by your children, because it is.
Yeah, it's a little out there. It's a little out there. It's interesting that you've always thought you've kind of been present. I think I grew into being a present parent.
It took me a while because I say that I'm a conscious nurturer, you know, because I had such bad postpartum depression that I wasn't, like a natural nurturer, you know, I had to grow into being a nurturing parent.
[00:10:43] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:45] Speaker B: And so I think I became more present when Peyton got diagnosed, but I think it was still a little bit more business. Like, I was treating it like, I don't want to say a work project, and I'll never forget it. You know, my mom.
[00:11:04] Speaker A: No offense, pay no.
[00:11:06] Speaker B: Cause, my mom called me up, and I think she literally said, like, it'll be okay, but don't treat it.
[00:11:13] Speaker A: Is your project done yet?
[00:11:14] Speaker C: No, she's not.
[00:11:14] Speaker A: There's a time on this, she said.
[00:11:16] Speaker B: Don'T treat this like one of your business projects. And I think. Cause I was just trying to, like, figure out all of the OT and PT and therapeutic writing things. I mean, she was in five day a week therapy, and I think I was still so kind of lost in my own haze of everything. I think when I truly became a present parent was actually after my divorce, where I really just being present and being a nurturing parent became just an unconscious thing for me. It was just. I really was enjoying the moments and really, truly, like, I love being a parent now. I just truly love it. I embrace every moment of it. I love showing up for every event I have to sling nacho cheese for, you know, and that sounds so funny.
[00:12:10] Speaker A: Sounds evil. I love it.
[00:12:12] Speaker B: But, you know, it just a switch, you know, flipped, you know?
[00:12:18] Speaker A: So while you were talking about that, something just popped into my head, and it's pretty closely related to that. So you went through postpartum. I got it.
I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family that, like, there were stacks of older kids around that when they started having babies. We're the type of family that when somebody has a baby and you go see them, they go, here, you want to hold the baby, and you don't really want to hold the baby, so you hold it anyway because, you know, otherwise you're gonna be. Why didn't you want to hold the baby? What the hell's wrong with you?
Maybe it's just my family, but, you know, I mean, I come from a long line of huggers and baby holders, so it was funny to me after I had my first child when, you know, I took two weeks off and got him home, got him ready and did all the stuff, and I got ready Sunday night to leave for work next Monday, and I heard, where are you going?
I'm going to work.
You're not going to leave me here with him, are you? Yep, gotta go to work. You'll be fine. I don't know what to do. And it was at that moment I just went, man, I'm. I was so ready to be a dad.
[00:13:28] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:13:28] Speaker A: Like, I had been surrounded by great dads, you know, my whole life, you know? And I was just like, I got this. This is easy. So being present for both of them when they were teeny tiny was so easy.
[00:13:41] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:13:42] Speaker A: You know, and it's.
It's. It's a little bit more fun as I get older to be kind of in the shadows and let them know that I'm there.
[00:13:52] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:13:53] Speaker A: But I'm not in their face about it. Like, I'm there. I know what you're doing. I know what you're up to. I see you.
[00:13:59] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:14:00] Speaker A: I got you. If you fall, I'll come get you. Don't worry.
[00:14:04] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that's been. It's funny that you mentioned that will fall. Will come get you, because I think being present doesn't, like, end. It's a. It's a different type of.
[00:14:15] Speaker C: Yeah. You just.
[00:14:16] Speaker A: You're just present in different ways.
[00:14:18] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:14:18] Speaker A: You know?
[00:14:19] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:14:20] Speaker A: Do you show up for the games and the practices? Yeah. When they're older, do you show up and go, hey, if it's not working out at this party, just send me a text with a secret word, and I will send you a text, and. And I will tell you, you have to come home right now? Yeah.
[00:14:35] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:14:35] Speaker A: You know, it's little stuff like that.
[00:14:37] Speaker B: Exactly. But I think that that transition in the presence comes from building and establishing that trust through kind of consistency and structure.
[00:14:48] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. This place is structured okay. No, no, no. As a. As a person who was diagnosed as a hyperactive kid, pretty much 100% positive, I have add.
[00:15:04] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:05] Speaker A: There's a good chance I'm on the spectrum.
[00:15:07] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:15:08] Speaker A: Which would make a lot of sense to me.
[00:15:10] Speaker B: But let's not do any self diagnosing.
[00:15:12] Speaker A: But I'm just saying. But no, the structure is great around here. It makes things so much easier.
[00:15:17] Speaker B: Well, I think having two kids on the spectrum, our house would not function without structure.
[00:15:24] Speaker A: What do you mean?
[00:15:25] Speaker B: I mean, the wheels on the bus go awful.
[00:15:30] Speaker A: Yes.
The wheels on the best bus just fell right off. Oh, my God.
[00:15:35] Speaker B: I mean.
[00:15:36] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:36] Speaker B: And with both of us working and all of our kids in various activities, we just have to have some structure. I mean, frankly, for my sanity, I.
[00:15:48] Speaker A: Think for everybody's sanity, we need structure.
[00:15:50] Speaker B: But I also grew up in a house with structure. Even though, looking back, I think my brother and I would both say our childhood was a little bit crazy, but.
[00:16:00] Speaker A: I think put the fun in dysfunction.
[00:16:03] Speaker B: No, but I think, looking back, all of us, and maybe it was just being children of the eighties.
[00:16:08] Speaker A: Oh, what a glorious time to be alive.
[00:16:10] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:16:11] Speaker B: We were all a little bit feral in the eighties. I mean, I was, like, out building, like, forts and, like, my neighbor's, like, yard and stuff. And, like, I totally had a fort in this thicket, and it was, like, my little area. And now if my children were in a neighbor's yard building a fort, I would be like, what are you doing? Get out of the neighbor's yard. Because that's just not what you do now. You know, maybe, like, out in the country, but not where we live, right? You know, you'd show up on someone's ring cam and end up on the next door app. It would be really bad.
[00:16:44] Speaker A: Shout out to the keyboard warriors on nextdoor. No, I was not speeding, Karen.
[00:16:50] Speaker B: But even in all that craziness, we still, like, ate dinner together. My mom would, like, have placed mats out there was, like, structure, and we'd come together and eat dinner as a family. And I really appreciated that. And we now eat dinner together as a family.
[00:17:08] Speaker A: That's funny that you say that. You know what just hit my mind is our youngest just recently, and if I said this on another podcast, forgive me, because I'm repeating myself, but it bears repeating. She was talking to one of her friends, and her friend goes, man, don't you just love it? Like, when you're home, you walk downstairs and you smell breakfast. It's already made for you. It's hot and ready. And our youngest went, no, I get up and make my own breakfast.
[00:17:32] Speaker B: I know. That's awesome.
[00:17:35] Speaker A: It was just funny because there's this kid like, oh, isn't that cool? We creature comforts. And she was just like, wet blanket all over that one. Nope, I make my own breakfast.
[00:17:45] Speaker B: I know.
[00:17:46] Speaker A: True, to a certain extent. But there are times that she does get to come downstairs and say, ooh, breakfast.
[00:17:52] Speaker B: But I kind of took that as a source of pride. Cause I'm like, my children are going off to college knowing how to cook for themselves.
[00:17:59] Speaker A: Yeah. So I think it was in that episode with Payton.
[00:18:03] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:18:05] Speaker A: Again, it bears repeating. Cause it's hilarious.
[00:18:08] Speaker B: But on the other side of that, we've had some of our kids friends come over, and when we all sit down together at the table, they're like, oh.
[00:18:17] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, you get weird looks, like stares blinking.
[00:18:22] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:18:23] Speaker A: What are we doing?
[00:18:25] Speaker B: You're all sitting down together.
[00:18:26] Speaker A: Oh, you guys aren't gonna pray, are you?
[00:18:28] Speaker B: No, we're not doing the blessing granted during band season. It's a little bit tough, and we still. We still try our best, you know? And generally, there's, like, second and third meals one at, like, midnight when we pick them up. Yeah, but I think, you know, that really does help breed that consistency and that comfort, you know, for our kids.
And, you know, and you can't just do it once. You have to, like, keep doing it and just keep showing up, because, you know, this gets back to the jackals episode. Kids will sniff you out.
[00:19:07] Speaker A: Everything ties into that episode.
[00:19:09] Speaker B: The kids will sniff you out. And so that's where I think, being present and showing up, you know, if you're gonna do it, you have to keep showing up, and then they know you're gonna be there for them, and that's where that kind of, you know, trust gets established.
[00:19:28] Speaker A: Did you mention the family calendar?
[00:19:30] Speaker B: No.
[00:19:31] Speaker A: Why not? Cause everybody looks at it to find out what we're eating and who's going where.
[00:19:35] Speaker B: Yeah, well, it is, you know, it's like our control center, and that's really how we control the jackals, is there's a calendar, and everybody has a different.
[00:19:46] Speaker A: Color, and it's run by the controller.
[00:19:48] Speaker B: Of chaos, and that's where everyone's stuff goes, whether it's a band event, a therapy appointment, a dentist appointment, I don't know, a family barbecue. We put it on there, and if it's not on there, it frankly doesn't exist because, you know, we can't do last minute because it also helps people understand you've got a boundaries. Yeah, boundaries. And value other people's time, because, you know, we all have things. And so if someone comes home at the last minute and we've already started cooking dinner, and they're like, well, hey, I got to get driven over here. Well, you know, that doesn't always work because we've already planned dinner, and your impacting all these other people. And I think that's a really important thing to teach kids and understand that it's not just about you.
Your actions impact others, and that can be a really hard thing to teach. But I think it's so important, you know, about how you carry yourself. And, you know, sometimes little things come up, and we certainly talk through those, but you've got to work through those kind of, as they come up and talk through them. And it's different because I think we have older kids, so I don't think I did this when Peyton was younger. I don't know if he did this.
[00:21:19] Speaker A: When the other two were younger.
[00:21:21] Speaker B: The other two were younger, but the food calendar came up because I was tired of being asked what I was cooking for dinner every night.
[00:21:29] Speaker A: You still get asked what he's cooking for dinner half the time is from me because I'm too lazy to walk down the hall.
[00:21:35] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:21:35] Speaker A: Or I'll walk past the calendar and go straight into the office and go, what are we having for dinner?
[00:21:40] Speaker B: Go look at the calendar.
[00:21:41] Speaker A: Go look at the calendar. Didn't you look at the calendar? No.
[00:21:44] Speaker B: Now, I've gotten you involved in planning the calendar.
[00:21:47] Speaker A: I know.
[00:21:47] Speaker B: Which has helped.
[00:21:48] Speaker A: It is helpful, but I like to help where I can.
[00:21:52] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:21:53] Speaker B: But I think the nevers are important because, like you said, with the game nights and playing the games with the kids, the kids feel appreciate it, and they feel your presence. They know you're showing up for things.
[00:22:06] Speaker A: And they laugh their little butts off.
[00:22:07] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:09] Speaker A: That's for sure.
[00:22:10] Speaker B: And, you know, I laugh because I'm looking over my shoulder when they're like, hey, Miss Pruden's here. And I'm constantly looking for your mom. You know, oh, my goodness.
[00:22:22] Speaker A: That's funny.
[00:22:23] Speaker B: It's really about embracing the nevers and really getting out of your way.
[00:22:29] Speaker A: That's funny. People call me sir, and I look around to see if my dad's behind me.
I'm him. I'm him.
[00:22:38] Speaker B: So, when your kids ask you to volunteer or there's that moment to do something that you're like, I never would have done this.
Take the opportunity.
It served me well. You know, we're at the tail end of showing up for things in our kids schools. You know, we're now in transition as we've got young adults. We only have a couple more years left in high school with our youngest.
[00:23:10] Speaker A: I know everybody on our street is.
[00:23:11] Speaker B: Jealous, crazy volunteer events. And I will savor the last few years we have. You know, now it's about.
[00:23:22] Speaker A: I mean, they're not going away. We just don't have to do all the high school b's.
[00:23:25] Speaker B: No. And now it's about showing up in different ways for our older ones. And we'll continue to show up and do never type things, whether it's rock climbing events or equestrian or rugby stuff. It's gonna be different type things or moving out of college dorm rooms. You're still gonna show up and do things you never thought you would do. And I think even my mom would say she's still showing up for all of her kids in ways she never thought she would. And we still laugh about it.
[00:24:01] Speaker A: Nice.
[00:24:01] Speaker B: You know? So, as we wrap up another episode of modern mixtape, we want to thank you for tuning in wherever you are.
You know, if you really liked listening to the podcast, take a moment to like and share the podcast or even comment. Yeah, yeah, let us know.
[00:24:20] Speaker A: Throw out a comment. Hey, you guys ever talk about this? This ever come up?
[00:24:23] Speaker B: Yeah, definitely.
[00:24:24] Speaker A: It'd be awesome.
[00:24:25] Speaker B: So thanks for sharing this journey through parenthood with us. We really appreciate it, and we'll catch you on the next episode of modern mixtape.
