Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Man, parenting can be hard sometimes. Have you ever just been in the weeds and wish there was a manual? Or a frequently asked question section where you could look up the answer to a problem and poof, it was just solved?
[00:00:12] Speaker B: Yeah, that'd be awesome.
[00:00:14] Speaker A: Well, on this episode of modern mixtape, we're gonna dive into there is a manual, but all it does is really talk about the basic fundamentals.
[00:00:24] Speaker B: Yeah, let's get into it.
Welcome to modern mixtape navigating parenthood. I'm your host, Jim, along with my wife, Jenny. We're just two parents born in the seventies, raised in the eighties, love music from the nineties, and raising kids in the two thousands, and frankly, just trying to figure it all out. Let's dive into the mixtape of modern parenting. This is modern mixtape. Listen wherever you get your podcasts and follow us on all socials.
[00:01:03] Speaker A: Welcome to this episode of modern mixtape.
[00:01:05] Speaker B: Hey, Jen.
[00:01:06] Speaker A: How are you?
[00:01:07] Speaker B: Good. How are you?
[00:01:08] Speaker A: I'm good. So the million dollar question is the parenting manual. I think we all want the one that doesn't exist. Yeah, exactly. I think we all want a manual for everything. I can't like looking back at how many times I've uttered the phrase, especially now that our kids are teenagers. Oh, there's no manual for how to raise you guys. I think we've said it probably too many times to count.
You know, it comes up on a lot of different topics. I think it's now become almost kind of an expression that we use when we talk to our kids or we're trying to explain to them almost that we don't know what we're doing.
[00:01:54] Speaker B: Yeah. So I'm really careful with that phrase around the kids.
I've told them I don't know how many times.
This is the first time I'm doing this.
My oldest, our middle. That's the first kid I had. That's the first time I was exposed to this. Even when there was a second kid, I was like, okay, I'm still new to this.
[00:02:17] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:02:18] Speaker B: So.
And now that there's three, I mean, every year is just. It's something brand new, and it's like, oh, I didn't know that was gonna happen.
[00:02:27] Speaker A: So you said you're kind of careful with the phrase around the kids. Why is that?
[00:02:34] Speaker B: Well, first of all, I do not ever wanna let them know that I don't know what I'm doing.
[00:02:39] Speaker A: Yeah, good point. Cause that gets back to, they will suss us out. Me and the jackals will take over. Yes, 100%.
[00:02:47] Speaker B: They'll go, oh, they. Oh, you don't know what you're doing. Okay, well, here, let me break. Right, and.
[00:02:52] Speaker A: But don't you think sometimes it is good to let them know that we don't know what we're doing, but we are trying to figure it out?
[00:03:01] Speaker B: Yeah, I think it's better to let them know that we're trying to figure it out.
We've told them I don't know how many times that we don't have all the answers, and I don't think anybody has all the answers. Everybody's just kind of feeling their way through it, especially, you know, with your first kid, and then the second kid is totally different, so you're definitely feeling it out for that one. And then you gotta. There's, like, a little in between the two of them you gotta navigate.
[00:03:25] Speaker A: Well, I think about it, like, when we became a blended family, there was no manual on how to do a blended family. Granted, there's countless books on all of these different parenting topics and all of that, but the challenge is everybody's situation is different.
So when you think about it, you can read all of these books, and there's still just not one set way on how to do it. Hence, the manual doesn't exist.
[00:03:54] Speaker B: So I love the fact that you say there's a lot of books out there. Those books are nothing more than suggestions exactly how you apply them.
[00:04:01] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:01] Speaker B: And if you don't apply them, what good is the book?
[00:04:03] Speaker A: Yeah. What I do think, though, looking at our parents versus us, there's no manual for either generation. But I do think what holds true is actually the core values that each generation parented to. You know, the golden rule of treat everyone how you would want to be treated, you know, kindness.
[00:04:28] Speaker B: I really wish there was a generational manual raising your kid 22,000 to 2010, volume three.
[00:04:39] Speaker A: But we may be doing things really different than how our parents did it, because, oh, I know for a fact.
[00:04:47] Speaker B: We'Re doing it way different than our parents did it. Way different.
[00:04:50] Speaker A: Life is different. But I think some of the core values that our parents had, you know, hard work, your parents had that value. My parents did. We're parenting towards those same things. And so how we get there, the quote instructions in the manual are very different. And I'm sure sometimes my mom looks at how we're doing things and is just, like, aghast, you know, maybe not. At the end of the day, we want our kids to be hardworking, responsible, and respectful. And respectful. I know. That's how she raised me. That's how you were raised. Treat others how you would want to be treated.
[00:05:34] Speaker B: Right.
[00:05:35] Speaker A: Those hold true between generations. But I think what's different is those instructions in the manual are very, very different. And, you know, I think about when we made the decision to have our middle child go out and spend some time in the wilderness, which was a great experience for him, he said it absolutely changed his life.
[00:05:58] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. You could see it when he got back.
[00:06:00] Speaker A: I know there were people who thought that approach was very different. And why are you making that choice for us and for our family? That definitely worked for him.
[00:06:12] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, sometimes you gotta break up a routine, you know? I mean, and that. I mean, that falls true with a lot of people. You know, you gotta. You can't keep doing the same thing over and over and over and go, oh, wow, I wonder why. Nothing's changing, you know? You know, be the change you want to see in others, you know, and like that. So. Yeah, no, I think. I think him being 28 days in the boundary waters between the US and Canada was an absolute fantastic thing. He hated us at first.
Basically, once he had his peers hold him accountable for everything he was doing, I think that flipped a switch, because it wasn't you and I saying, you've got to do this. This is what you got to do this. You know, where are you going with this? You know? But being accountable or being held accountable by your peers is what. It holds a lot more weight than your parents saying it.
[00:07:04] Speaker A: Yeah, I would think I was just surprised at how many people thought we were taking that approach. And I think that gets into kind of the second thing is why there isn't a manual is that every family is different, and what works for one doesn't work for the other. And that's why I think sometimes it's so frustrating on social media that you just see everything in this kind of, like, I don't even want to say normal, but it's just so, like, sanitized, and it's just so perfect because that quote becomes the normal, but there is no normal. You know, no one's fridges look like that with all of those containers. You know, it just doesn't look like that.
[00:07:47] Speaker B: And, well, you're a bachelor bachelorette and you have no food in there, then it looks like that. Yeah.
[00:07:55] Speaker A: Thinking about it, the manual is really who you reach out to for advice. I mean, we're so lucky that we have a lot of good friends and people that were like, hey, we're stuck on this. What are your thoughts? Whether, you know, it's friends or family, but it doesn't mean we have to take the advice. But it's like they become sounding boards, and that's how you learn, because we don't know everything, like you said.
[00:08:19] Speaker B: Right, right. I'm finding a lot more that because our kids are older, we're getting a lot of the. Hey, did you ever. Did your kids ever do this? Like, we're now the sounding board for others, which is interesting. And it's funny. So you keep saying. The manual. The manual. The manual. So, did you have a manual the day you brought your oldest home?
[00:08:43] Speaker A: No, actually, I. Like, how did that go? I remember it so vividly because I was, like, the first in my friend group to actually have a baby.
[00:08:54] Speaker B: That's a lot of pressure.
[00:08:55] Speaker A: I was totally on my own, and, I mean, I had my partner at the time, but in terms of my friend circle, I was like the trailblazer, which is kind of funny when you think about it.
[00:09:07] Speaker B: That is funny that no one around you was having babies or you didn't have anybody in your life that popped in and was like, hey, check this out.
[00:09:16] Speaker A: No. So, I remember driving down the freeway with her, and I sat in the backseat, and I left her in her little, like, car seat carrier, and I sat her on the dining room table, and I just looked at her, and it was literally one of those oh, shit. Moments, like, oh, sorry.
[00:09:38] Speaker B: I could just see you going, wow. All right.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: No, there's a kid. I sat in the chair and just looked at her. And for whatever reason, my mom had decided that she would come stay with me a week after I had been home with her, which, at the time, I was kind of like, crap. Like, what am I gonna do? And I had babysat in church. I had been people's nannies. So it's not like I didn't. It's not the same.
[00:10:06] Speaker B: It's not the same.
[00:10:07] Speaker A: It's not like I didn't know what I was doing. But keep in mind, I got to give those kids back. I had this little human for, like, 24 hours a day, and I just remember looking at Peyton, who's been on the podcast, going like, shit, you know? And, you know, my mom wasn't there, but my mom's rationale was, you need to know that you can do this yourself.
[00:10:30] Speaker B: Oh, absolutely.
[00:10:31] Speaker A: You've got this.
And I'm so thankful that she did that, because. And it's not like I was totally alone. I had my in laws popping in and out and things like that. I was gonna have to figure stuff out. And there wasn't a book. Even though I think I had, like, a copy of, like, doctor Spock's, like, you know, like, how did I have to be a mom? You know, there was some, like, crazy, like, parenting book that was all the time that, guess what? It turned out okay. She is now, like, a very resilient 19 year old doing quite well.
[00:11:04] Speaker B: That's why you're using the word resilient.
[00:11:07] Speaker A: I didn't mess her up. That's where you just have to go, okay? I'm not going to have all the answers. It will be okay. I'm not going to know where to find all the answers.
And I think that's why there is no manual. Because, you know, if there was a book that we constantly went into and it said, hey, if they're not doing this or, you know, this is not happening, we'd constantly be going, oh, we got it wrong. And we wouldn't be able to move forward and pivot. We'd constantly be judging ourselves. And it's hard enough being a parent, but if there was some book where we constantly were looking at it, going, oh, crap, I messed up again, dude, we already do that already. Imagine if there was actually a book with the answers in it. It'd be. It'd be even harder than it is now.
[00:11:59] Speaker B: Yeah. So it's. It's pretty funny that you brought her home and you're just staring at her like, what the hell? I think to bring a little bit of levity to my life. I don't know if I bought it or somebody bought it, but when. When I had my first child, I got something that looked like a survival manual. Oh, did you ever see those?
[00:12:20] Speaker A: I think I had that, and it was actually like a first aid one, like a. To something.
[00:12:25] Speaker B: No, this was. This was a. This was a. If. I wish I had it still. It looked like a manual. I mean, you want levity, you open it, and the first thing you see is it has a little picture of a baby, and it points. It says, this is the head, these are the arms, these are the feet. And I was like, ah, so this isn't rocket science. It's a little person. Okay, I got it. Okay, now, now we can handle this.
[00:12:48] Speaker A: Yeah, no, mine was definitely, like, mine might as well have come out of some, like, southern.
[00:12:55] Speaker B: I can't believe you said doctor Spock.
[00:12:59] Speaker A: It literally was that old school. It might as well have come out of some.
[00:13:02] Speaker B: Live long and prosper. Don't break the beta.
[00:13:05] Speaker A: No, I think there's a parenting guy called, like, doctor Spock out of the fifties. I'm not wrong. Literally, like, how to, like, parent yourself.
[00:13:13] Speaker B: Okay, I'm gonna google this when we're done.
[00:13:14] Speaker A: No, seriously, google it. And it's kind of like how to set, like, a table. And, like, that style. Like, this is how you set a table. This is how you do. Again, flower arranging.
[00:13:25] Speaker B: Arms, feet.
[00:13:27] Speaker A: This is how you parent, you know, hair.
But I think those, like, books aren't really there anymore because people have started to realize everybody's parenting path is so freaking different.
[00:13:42] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:42] Speaker A: You know, and I. I mean, I look at the path I've been on, and it's just such a different journey than I thought I was gonna be on. And I'm so thankful for it.
[00:13:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:58] Speaker A: And, you know, there have been a lot of opinions on the way, and I think that's.
You don't have to take them, you know?
You know, as you like to say.
[00:14:12] Speaker B: Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one, and they usually stink.
[00:14:17] Speaker A: Yeah. But I think what you do have to learn as you get older is you do have to be gracious and you don't have to react to everything.
[00:14:28] Speaker B: Yeah, that's. That's a good one. I was. We were talking about that before we got started. It's sometimes, you know, not everything needs a reaction, and it's okay to, like, take a pause. I've had the kids come in and say some really outrageous stuff to me, and my instinct is to go, what the. And then I'm like, wait a second. Let's stop for a second. Where's this coming from?
[00:14:53] Speaker A: That's a good thing, is instead of reacting, asking, where are they getting that from? And I think that is so critical, especially with teenagers, because you want to know where their little brains are going from. I was just reading an article, actually, about their frontal cortex isn't actually developed, and so their ability to critically think on things actually isn't there. So sometimes when they say these outlandish things and we just want to be like, dude, what is wrong with you?
[00:15:28] Speaker B: So I came across something. I always. I tend to be in my notes section in my phone all the time. I know you love it. There's a note in there that says, I was right.
The word. Wait, why am I talking?
[00:15:43] Speaker A: Oh, that's good.
[00:15:45] Speaker B: Yeah, I've used it a couple of times. Like, I'll just start to fit out, whatever. And I'm like, why am I talking? Stop.
Let's let them talk and see where this goes.
[00:15:55] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:56] Speaker B: My favorite growing up was, well, if everybody jumped off a bridge, would you? You know, and I kind of. I feel sometimes I try to use that and it just doesn't, you know, it just doesn't work.
[00:16:06] Speaker A: It doesn't resonate the same way. And I think that's, that change in the generations. I think the point is the same, but I think weight is a much more effective way of doing it. And I think one of the things.
[00:16:22] Speaker B: That was from 2022.
[00:16:24] Speaker A: That's good.
[00:16:25] Speaker B: I've been sitting on that one for two years.
[00:16:28] Speaker A: That's good.
[00:16:29] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:30] Speaker A: I think the other thing, looking at it is why there is no instruction manual is because you have to be able to pivot and be flexible. Things aren't gonna come up, and you've gotta be willing to change. As we've had things come up with our kids, I mean, I think about what we came up with with our middle child and kind of the approaches that we went through with him. Having him go out to the boundary waters and deciding to homeschool him for a bit absolutely was the best thing to do for him.
[00:17:06] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:17:07] Speaker A: But that was very on track. Such a huge pivot. If you would have ever asked me that I would be homeschooling a child, I would have. That would have been a never moment for me. If you were to.
[00:17:18] Speaker B: No, but you were having a lot of fun walking around the house, calling yourself headmaster and headmistress.
[00:17:23] Speaker A: If you ever listened to the last episode, that was a never moment. I would have been like, I am never going to be homeschooling a child.
[00:17:29] Speaker B: But you said that during the pandemic. You're like, I don't do this. I'm not a stay at home mom. I'm not homeschooling them. This is not my job.
[00:17:39] Speaker A: But again, I should never say I never.
[00:17:43] Speaker B: That one came to bite you in the butt, didn't he?
[00:17:44] Speaker A: It did. But it was, again, one of those moments where you've got to pivot, because it was absolutely the right thing for him, and it's made him stronger. He's in a better place for it.
[00:17:55] Speaker B: Yeah, that's for sure.
[00:17:57] Speaker A: So as you kind of have those moments where you're like, I want that manual. I want the answer. Just take a step back.
[00:18:06] Speaker B: When you take that step back, this is gonna be great. And, jen, you're gonna love this. I like to think of your mom.
[00:18:13] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:14] Speaker B: And when you take a pause and they say something crazy, and you just wanna ask them, what the hell are they thinking? Stop and go, hmm.
Okay.
[00:18:24] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:25] Speaker B: All right.
[00:18:26] Speaker A: So instead of going, man, I want that manual. Either wait or go.
[00:18:33] Speaker B: Hmm.
[00:18:34] Speaker A: Reflect and know that you can always pivot. So as we wrap up this episode of modern mixtape, we want to thank you for tuning in and sharing this journey of parenthood with us. And remember, if you enjoyed this episode, like it and share it on your socials and your podcast platform.
Modern mixtape is pretty produced and recorded by Jenny and Jim Pruden, edited and mixed by Grey Bear Erickson at the Sanctuary themed song written and performed by Grey Bear Erikson.
