The Hamster Wheel

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hey, have you ever thought about how many times we have reminded our kids to do the same task before they get it? Are they just actually trying to figure it out? Or are they just, like, not caring because they have other stuff to do that's more important to them? [00:00:17] Speaker B: No, I don't think about that. [00:00:19] Speaker A: You really don't? [00:00:20] Speaker B: I really don't. I don't. [00:00:22] Speaker A: You don't? [00:00:23] Speaker B: Sometimes I might ponder whether or not they got it, but for the most part, no, I don't. I don't wonder. [00:00:29] Speaker A: You don't look in their faces and are. [00:00:31] Speaker B: You're not just WTF? It. [00:00:33] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, what? [00:00:34] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, but that's with everything. [00:00:35] Speaker A: WTF? Like, what is going on? [00:00:37] Speaker B: No, that's with everything. [00:00:40] Speaker A: Well, on this week's episode of modern mixtape, we're gonna talk about the parenting hamster wheel. And are we living in Groundhog's day? What is going on with those moments? [00:00:51] Speaker B: All right, let's get into it. Welcome to modern mixtape navigating parenthood. I'm your host, Jim, along with my wife, Jenny. We're just two parents born in the seventies, raised in the eighties, love music from the nineties, and raising kids in the two thousands. And frankly, just trying to figure it all out. Let's dive into the mixtape of modern parenting. This is modern mixtape. Listen wherever you get your podcasts and follow us on all socials. [00:01:27] Speaker A: So let's talk about the parenting hamster wheel, especially in the context of parenting teenagers, because the hamster wheel, it feels like almost every day at our house. [00:01:39] Speaker B: Yeah. It's like being on a treadmill. [00:01:42] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:01:43] Speaker B: You're doing a lot. You're not going anywhere. [00:01:45] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:01:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:01:45] Speaker A: Especially with two of them being on the autism spectrum, which parenting kids on the autism spectrum, they have a different way of learning things and completely. Which is okay, you know? And I will say, each one of our kids on the autism spectrum, totally different way of learning things. [00:02:01] Speaker B: Yes. You couldn't have two more different kids. [00:02:05] Speaker A: But teens in general, there are those moments where you sit there as a parent and you're literally like, what is going on? [00:02:13] Speaker B: Well, I'm sure our parents felt that way, too. I mean, think about that. I'm sure there was several times my mom and dad looked at me and we were like, what are you thinking? [00:02:22] Speaker A: I am pretty sure my mom thought that about me into my twenties, probably, maybe even into my thirties, maybe. [00:02:30] Speaker B: Who knows? [00:02:31] Speaker A: I think part of it is there's that, like, turning point from where a kid is ten to eleven to twelve, where you're still like, doing things for them. But then all of a sudden, I know it hit me. Your kid's 14. There's four years till they're a legal adult. They need to, like, start doing some of this. [00:02:53] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Our middle child is chipping away. It's not even years. It's months. [00:02:56] Speaker A: It's months until they're 18. And they need, like, some of these skills, you know? Or it's gonna be like fire hose when they hit 18. [00:03:06] Speaker B: Yeah. So. So what do you mean by skills? [00:03:09] Speaker A: I mean basic skills and also basic behavioral things that adults should be able to do when they leave the home. [00:03:21] Speaker B: So when they're little, you teach them how to, you know, you teach them how to potty. You teach them how to brush your teeth, how to correctly take a shower. Wait, hold on, hold on. And wash their hair, not just fill the thing up with water and then dump it and play in the shower for an hour. You know, we all did that. [00:03:38] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. [00:03:38] Speaker B: So, I mean, that's basic, fundamental stuff, but. Yeah, stuff like, stuff that they've taken out of school. I mean. [00:03:45] Speaker A: Yeah. And so I think about that, and the challenge is so much of that has been taken out of school now that I do think it falls on us, which then we're starting to look at them, and then we have to start addressing these behaviors or skills more and more. And I think the kids look at us like nags, almost. [00:04:09] Speaker B: Yeah. By the age of 15, every kid should know how to make pasta. [00:04:13] Speaker A: I would. [00:04:14] Speaker B: In my opinion. [00:04:16] Speaker A: Okay. I would agree. Pasta is pretty basic. Here. Let's. Let's actually go through some skills. This will be a fun little game. Like, it. Let's take 15, because 15 year, most kids are a high school sophomore. So let's take some basic skills that we think a high school sophomore should be able to do without being told, without being reminded. [00:04:42] Speaker B: Ooh. Oh, forget it then. I have 15. I don't have 15. [00:04:47] Speaker A: So I think if it's like they. [00:04:51] Speaker B: Walk around with their head in a cloud, it's bizarre. [00:04:55] Speaker A: So, okay. I think taking the trash out, if they see trash cans full, I think that's a common thing. If the trash can is overflowing, then. [00:05:06] Speaker B: We stuff one more paper plate on top and shove it down and wait for two more rounds. [00:05:10] Speaker A: But I would think at 15, the trash cans overflowing, they should be able to recognize we take the trash out. Would you agree, yes or no? [00:05:19] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. [00:05:20] Speaker A: Okay. [00:05:20] Speaker B: So they should be able to make their own lunch. If they're taking a lunch to school, they should be able to make their own lunch. [00:05:26] Speaker A: Hundred percent agree. [00:05:27] Speaker B: Okay. [00:05:29] Speaker A: And I would add on with a balanced selection of foods, not just a selection of snacks. [00:05:40] Speaker B: I've got 15 snacks, two capri suns and an apple. [00:05:47] Speaker A: Okay, 3rd, 3rd skill. I would say make some sort of basic meal. So if we wanted to go out on a date, we could leave them. [00:06:01] Speaker B: You can't even say leave them without laughing. [00:06:03] Speaker A: Can't leave them to fend for themselves. Would you agree, yes or no? [00:06:08] Speaker B: Yeah, I agree. [00:06:09] Speaker A: So now I would say I've created the problem because we generally leave out a full meal that they then have to, like reheat. So I would say 15 year olds know how to reheat, not cooking. [00:06:22] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay, fair. Fair. That's fair. [00:06:25] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:06:26] Speaker B: They also know how to use a microwave, so. [00:06:30] Speaker A: No, no, no. [00:06:31] Speaker B: That. [00:06:31] Speaker A: No, that's their purpose, to catch the microwave on fire. [00:06:35] Speaker B: Listen, one of them put sushi in the microwave. Okay. [00:06:38] Speaker A: Which caught on fire. [00:06:40] Speaker B: I think it was something else that caught on fire. [00:06:42] Speaker A: No, it was the sushi. [00:06:43] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. [00:06:45] Speaker A: So I would say 15 year olds should know how to reheat. [00:06:49] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay. Heat up and reheat. Okay. [00:06:52] Speaker A: I would say they should understand the basic concept that if the bathroom looks grimy. [00:07:00] Speaker B: You may have a higher level here. Go ahead. [00:07:02] Speaker A: Like if the toilet, if they lift the lid of the toilet and it looks not cleanly. [00:07:08] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:09] Speaker A: They should know to clean the toilet bowl. [00:07:12] Speaker B: Okay. Whether or not they do it is a totally different story. Should they be able to. Yes, they should know how to clean up their rooms. [00:07:20] Speaker A: Okay. But that's my point. [00:07:22] Speaker B: Put their clothes away. [00:07:23] Speaker A: Bingo. You just hit the nail on the head of what this episode is about right there. [00:07:28] Speaker B: Our kids know how to do laundry. [00:07:30] Speaker A: Okay. But no, you just hit that. They know how to do laundry because we're not doing it for them. Right. So they will wait. And we have different, we have different levels between our struggle. We have different levels of three kids who take their levels of clothing very differently. And it's taken different times. But the toilet bowl thing, you just hit the nail on the head. They should be able to look at that unprompted and go, my toilet bowl is dirty. I'm going to clean it. And we get on the hamster wheel about cleaning the bathroom. And that's my point. How many times do we need to say, every week we clean the bathroom? And we now have beyond 15 year olds, and I'm not saying all of our kids. So that's kind of my point is like, how do we get off that, like, hamster wheel with your kids. And is it different because our generations are totally different, because I just feel like when we were younger, I don't know, maybe. Maybe we did this to our kids because I didn't give them opportunities to clean the toilet bowl because we had someone who came in and cleaned the toilet bowls, or I did it for them, and now I'm now asking them to do it because I'm like, crap. These kids need to know how to do this when they leave the house. And so it's my fault. [00:08:57] Speaker B: Oh, I do it. I do it. When you go out of town, the night before you come back, the downstairs guest toilet and our toilet. [00:09:05] Speaker A: But we've talked about this before, where it's that whole enabling versus helping. And so maybe it is on us a little bit that we haven't created those opportunities for them to learn some of these skills. And that's now why we're on the hamster wheel, because we're playing catch up on some of these things. [00:09:26] Speaker B: Yeah, but, I mean, how many times can you really repeat it? And, I mean, I've gotten to the point where our middle child. I just look at him and go, hey, I took the trash cans out. [00:09:39] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:40] Speaker B: Because, number one, I know it needs to get done, you know? And, I mean, I. I've stopped reminding. [00:09:52] Speaker A: I would say our middle child's path is a little bit different with him being on the autism spectrum. And I think though, he now, because you've stopped reminding, he's picking it up quicker. He's more observant. Cause guess who took the trash cans out last night. [00:10:13] Speaker B: He did. [00:10:14] Speaker A: He did. Unprompted. I think that approach of stopping the hamster wheel. Cause I think when there's that constant reminder, it's that push pull between the kids. And I think when we stopped and just were like, hey, I'm not gonna do it. Guess what? It gave him an opportunity to do it, and that's why he did it. [00:10:33] Speaker B: Well, that's, like, now. I mean, even though I do notice that you'll give out a little reminder, like, hey, have you done your laundry? Do you have clean clothes? [00:10:45] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:10:45] Speaker B: Just saying. The washer's open. [00:10:47] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:10:48] Speaker B: There's not six people trying to get into the washer right now. You've got a really great opportunity here to really just get it done. And for those of you who don't know, we have two stacked washers and dryers. So it's not like you can't do two loads of laundry at once, so well. [00:11:05] Speaker A: And I think we've tried to boil it down. Cause I was thinking about all the things they actually do have on their plate, and they do have a lot on their plate. You know, there's homework and academic responsibilities, and they've got social things they've got to do. You know, our kids are involved in sports and outside activities, and then we do want them to be responsible. So they do have various chores around the house. And I think when you layer all those on, we had to take a step back for a minute and prioritize what were actually our deal breakers for us with our kids and not. You can't harp on everything all the time. [00:11:47] Speaker B: No, because we'll go back to my favorite saying around this house. Is, is that the hill you're gonna die on? Yeah, that's the one you're gonna stand up, you're gonna die on. Okay. [00:11:54] Speaker A: And I think the hamster wheel keeps going when you're harping on everything, and then next thing you know, it's like the merry go rounds from our childhood. I don't know if you remember those. There was a really good one at my childhood. [00:12:07] Speaker B: I think it was called a merry go round. [00:12:09] Speaker A: Was it a merry go round? What were those called? [00:12:12] Speaker B: There was nothing merry about that thing. It was spin people till they puke or fall off. [00:12:17] Speaker A: There was a good one. I still remember the park. It was out at na hoi park, out where I grew up, and the thing was all metal, so, like, when it got hot, not only was it, like the, like, spin of death, but then it was. [00:12:31] Speaker B: Yeah. You could also catch a second degree burn. First degree burn. [00:12:36] Speaker A: Totally. And you'd get it going, and then you'd fling off into the dirt. [00:12:41] Speaker B: Just insane. [00:12:42] Speaker A: Yeah, no, it was. [00:12:43] Speaker B: I mean, I reflect on our childhood and think, man, this is a wonder. We didn't die. That's why Gen Xers are so damn tough. [00:12:51] Speaker A: I was just gonna say that. [00:12:53] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, it's very obvious. [00:12:55] Speaker A: That is, like, the. It's so illustrative of how parents, when you try and, like, remind about everything, if we sat there and harped on all that stuff, literally, we're gonna be on that merry go round. I think it was merry go round of death, you know, with our kids, because it's like, do the toilet, do the laundry, do your grades, and at some point, you just have to go, okay, this is the hill we're gonna die on, and this is actually what's most important for us. [00:13:26] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, even if you gave them a chore list, they would leave that chore list at the table and not do it. They just flip it over and go, oh, well, it's just a piece of paper. It just stays here. [00:13:35] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:13:35] Speaker B: So this is fine. It goes here. [00:13:37] Speaker A: You gotta pick the hill you're gonna die on, and it's gotta be a couple things, and then that's where the expectations are, and that can stop the hamster wheel from completely spinning out of control. [00:13:51] Speaker B: Right. So it. So it's funny. So we have two girls and a boy. One thing that's big that I noticed is the girls absolutely do their hair. They make themselves presentable for school. The middle child does not. He could get a haircut and still not comb his damn hair. [00:14:11] Speaker A: He's a teenage boy. [00:14:12] Speaker B: Oh, you do not get to fall back on that one. No, ma'am. Mm mm. I mean, anytime I say they're just kids or they're just this, you do that to me. Nope. [00:14:23] Speaker A: No. And I think, though, that's not the hill we've died on with him. For us, the hill we've died on with him is making sure that he has proper nutrition and he's eating enough calories. Our middle child has ADHD and is very active, and so for us, making sure that he is eating the right amount. So he's growing and all of that. [00:14:50] Speaker B: Tons of calories for that guy. [00:14:52] Speaker A: Tons of calories. And that is something that is 100% the hill we have died on for him. And he's now in the kitchen. He's now starting to meal prep a little bit and learning how to cook. We're super proud of him. So have we kind of, like, let the, like, is his hair combed all the time? Yeah, we've kind of let that one go. [00:15:16] Speaker B: Well, that's on him. [00:15:17] Speaker A: And that's kind of on him. Does he wear deodorant every day? Yeah, I mean, he says he goes up and he does his, like, toiletries and stuff. I'm like, cool. He does it after breakfast. I'm like, awesome. But I think you pick and choose again. [00:15:30] Speaker B: Well, you have to. The battles. Yeah, you have to pick and choose your battles. Obviously. Obviously. You gotta pick your battles. That's for sure. [00:15:35] Speaker A: So. And I think that kind of gets into, like, being consistent and kind of the boundaries we put in place, you know, on this, like, trying to get off the hamster wheel. [00:15:45] Speaker B: Right. So I think it's a matter of creating consistency for them. What does consistent look like for them? [00:15:51] Speaker A: Yeah. So. And I think that helps stop that back and forth. And so it's like, hey, this is what is most important to us for you, that's gonna help you be successful. And they see that, and then it takes the stress off. It's like, this is. This is all we wanna see you do. This is all we wanna see you do. And they know that it's different for each one of them. And then it's. It's taken us a while to get there, but then it also takes the stress off of us, because we're not sitting there having those WTF moments. And granted, they still come up, looking at our kids going, seriously, we're doing this again. But then I think the other big part of this is when those WTF moments come up, when the hamster wheel starts. Cause it's still gonna happen. Their kids being able to look across the table at Jim going, I need a moment. I'm about to literally, like, lose it. And I think that's where we look at each other and we have a code word. Cause, you know, the whole concept of don't be the baby gazelle is really important to us. We've gotta be on the same team, but sometimes you gotta just pull the ripcord and get out of there. And that's really important as, like, self preservation as a parent. And so Jim and I have a code word. So I say, apple stand. I know it is not Apple stand. [00:17:21] Speaker B: Do you even know how I came up with that word? [00:17:24] Speaker A: Yes. It's from Vikings. [00:17:25] Speaker B: Yes. So, in Vikings, they steal the priest and bring him back to their village, and one of them goes berserk and kills the priest. [00:17:37] Speaker A: I know, and it's perfect. [00:17:38] Speaker B: And Ragnar says, I miss Aethelstan and the guy that killed him. Floki. [00:17:44] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:17:45] Speaker B: Says, I miss Athelstan, too. [00:17:47] Speaker A: And it's the perfect code word because it's. We say it right before we're about to literally go berserk, because we don't want to go berserk on our kids. And there's that moment, you know, vikings berserk. [00:17:59] Speaker B: I see how you tied that in. That's really good. I like it. I like it. [00:18:03] Speaker A: But it really is that moment that you've got to give yourself grace, and that's where your partner's got to jump in and go, okay, I got this. Go take a moment, you know, because sometimes, you know, well, that's like the. [00:18:17] Speaker B: Other night, you, like, came home and disappeared, and everybody said, where's Jenny? She's laying down. She all right? Yeah. Don't worry. You're gonna eat. Calm down. I'm just checking on her. I think she's fine. [00:18:37] Speaker A: I just. I needed. [00:18:39] Speaker B: It's like whenever you say you're going to take a bath and they come down, they're like, where's Jenny? Where's she at? [00:18:45] Speaker A: I sometimes just need a moment. We've learned how to make. [00:18:49] Speaker B: Marauders took her. [00:18:51] Speaker A: We've learned how to make scrambled eggs multiple times. And when we're still learning how to make scrambled eggs for the 80th time, and I see the scrambled egg slop over the pan onto my stove, it's really hard not to absolutely lose it because I know I'm going to have to scrub the stove afterwards. [00:19:13] Speaker B: Right. [00:19:13] Speaker A: But that's an apple stand moment. [00:19:16] Speaker B: Yeah. Wow. Well, so like last night, perfect example. I got in late, dinner was on the stove, water was boiling. I stood in the kitchen for a good five minutes and I went, looked around, hooked right at our middle child. I guess I'll go ahead and put the pasta in the boiling water. Spinning Rubik's cube. That's all I hear is clicking. Oh, what did you want to eat tonight? No, no, I got it. It's fine. And that was one of those WTF moments where it's like, yeah, you can hear. You can audibly hear the water boiling. It's chugging. [00:19:57] Speaker A: Hey, he is locked in for his competition. [00:20:01] Speaker B: Bless that child. [00:20:02] Speaker A: But still, but still, you know, it was one of those moments. You jumped in and I appreciate it. [00:20:10] Speaker B: Now. [00:20:10] Speaker A: I know, and you know, but again, I think it does get back to figuring out how to get off the hamster wheel. Or frankly, have it not spin so fast. Raising kids, you're going to have those moments and so tons of moments. How can you have it not spin so fast or not as often so as you kind of think about how to slow down the hamster wheel or frankly, jump off the hamster wheel, we hope you've enjoyed this episode of modern mixtape and we will catch you on the flip side. Modern mixtape is produced and recorded by Jenny and Jim Pruden, edited and mixed by Grey Bear Ericsson at the sanctuary theme song written and performed by Greybear Erikson.