Episode Transcript
[00:00:24] Speaker A: Welcome to modern mix tape navigating parenthood. I'm your host, Jim, along with my wife, Jenny. We're two parents born in the 70s, raised in the 80s. Love music from the raising kids in the. Just trying to figure it all out. Let's dive into the mixtape of modern parenting. This is modern mixtape.
[00:00:43] Speaker B: Welcome to our first episode. This is really exciting.
[00:00:46] Speaker A: It is exciting. I'm really looking forward to this. This is. For those of you that don't know, this has probably been about a good, solid eight, nine months in the making of us going, we should do a podcast, and then finally getting off of our butts and doing it.
[00:01:00] Speaker B: Yeah, no, this is good.
The first episode is called the Baby Gazelle, which is one of our tried and true parenting philosophies. I wanted to call it taming jackals, which actually is what I wanted to call the podcast.
[00:01:16] Speaker A: Right.
[00:01:16] Speaker B: I got totally vetoed.
[00:01:18] Speaker A: You did?
[00:01:20] Speaker B: Our kids are not jackals.
[00:01:22] Speaker A: No.
[00:01:22] Speaker B: They sometimes act like jackals. If you know anything about jackals, the animal, they definitely have a pack mentality.
[00:01:30] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:01:30] Speaker B: They're very smart, and if you don't watch out for them, you definitely can definitely get injured.
[00:01:37] Speaker A: Yeah, for sure.
[00:01:38] Speaker B: Not that our kids would injure us, but we have three kids. We're a blended family. And one of our parenting philosophies is don't be the baby gazelle. And what that really has to do with is jackals will always go after the baby gazelle or the wounded gazelle, and they'll separate it out. And that's how we look at the two of us as parents, making sure that we stay on the same page with each other in terms of what our parenting philosophies are, in terms of discipline, our morals, our values, if one of us is out of the house, things like that.
Because if not, our kids will turn into jackals.
They will divide and conquer 100%, and they will go after whoever is the weak one, and they will find that weak link really fast.
[00:02:28] Speaker A: All right, well, let's get into it.
[00:02:30] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:02:31] Speaker A: All right, so we now know what it is.
[00:02:34] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:02:35] Speaker A: So that's just a general guideline.
It's pretty obvious. It's all about teamwork.
[00:02:42] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:02:43] Speaker B: Well, and it started, though, I think, early on, because we were a blended family and definitely came with some different approaches to doing things. And we quickly realized with our three kids, we had to get on the.
[00:02:59] Speaker A: Same page or they were going to take over.
[00:03:02] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:03:04] Speaker B: And we found this out really quickly, I think, with dessert.
[00:03:10] Speaker A: Oh, dessert.
[00:03:11] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:03:12] Speaker A: So I'm sure for most of you, everybody. Mom, can I have dessert? Dad, can I have dessert? I did it as a kid. I'm sure you did it.
[00:03:19] Speaker B: No, I grew up in a hippie household that really. Laura scutters and honey nut Cheerios were considered. That was like sugar cereal, right?
[00:03:31] Speaker A: But you never did the, hey, can I have dessert?
[00:03:34] Speaker B: Oh, that's what. That's. But that was, like, on occasion. And I knew when it was dessert night, because my mom was like, I saw her making dessert, so I didn't really ask unless I saw her making it. Like, we did not have a cookie jar on the counter. Like, no, I had to go down the street to my music teacher's house with the cookie jar.
[00:03:54] Speaker C: Wow.
[00:03:56] Speaker B: When we got together and your kids were getting dessert every night and my kid was not, we had totally different.
[00:04:04] Speaker A: Like, oh, totally different philosophy.
[00:04:06] Speaker B: Totally different philosophy. And so it was quickly like, okay, we got to figure this out. And then it became, I want dessert every night. And then it was kind of like, okay, we'll figure this out. We're not opposed to dessert. It just doesn't need to be a no, it's not every night type of thing.
[00:04:25] Speaker A: So, for me, growing up, dessert was a full on treat.
It was always, could I have dessert tonight? Did you eat, did you finish all your food? So then it became, okay, well, if I finish everything on my plate, I'm definitely getting dessert. And I didn't. A lot of times it was a bummer. Yeah, for sure. But you learn you're not always going to get a treat. You shouldn't just be handed treats all the time. It's just, well, in my personal opinion, I think so.
[00:05:02] Speaker B: But the dessert thing made us realize early on that we needed to kind of get on the same page with some of our parenting things.
And so we quickly realized, okay, we've got to have the same kind of parenting philosophies as we raise our family together and just set the same rules. And so we use dessert as an example, and now we give the kids a number of days, and they can choose how many days a week they want dessert. And they just pick the nights they want. And it makes it easy. But here's where the baby gazelle comes in.
They will test and be like, yeah, can I have dessert tonight? And if one of us is down the hall, we don't know how many nights they've had it. We're doing the honor system. And I might have said no, or yes, or, hey, did you use your things? And then they'll go ask the other one. And we're like, I don't know.
[00:05:59] Speaker A: It's funny that you bring that up. So growing up, the biggest thing I got was go ask your mother, or did you ask your father? And there was never a real legitimate check in. But when one of them said, did you ask the other one?
I was immediately faced with, okay, this could go one of two ways. I could say yes, and they could check in, and then I could be found out to have been lying, or they could totally skirt it and go, well, what did they say? Oh, yeah. They said, yeah, for sure. Three scoops of ice cream tonight. Yeah, for sure.
[00:06:37] Speaker B: And that's where we realized with three kids, we just had to be on the same page because we were quickly, like, we had a couple of times where it was like, well, I said this, but you said this, and then it was just mayhem of stuff. Kids were getting dessert at, like, 09:00 at night. That's never, which is not great, especially when kids react strongly to sugar. We've got problems.
[00:07:04] Speaker A: Yeah, that's for sure.
[00:07:06] Speaker B: So the baby gazelle concept came up because it was just like, hey, for basic things, let's be on the same page. And that way our kids can't sniff us out. So that concept of go ask the other one, hey, we're both going to have the same answer. So you can try and go ask the other one, but we're both going to have the same answer.
[00:07:28] Speaker A: Right.
And it falls on, you got to trust the other person's judgment. You got to know that you're not only on the same page, but you guys are going in the same direction. The car has to be moving in the same direction, and you both have to be in it. One of you can't be on the hood. One of you has to be driving. The other one has to be the passenger at all times.
[00:07:50] Speaker B: Yeah, well, and especially with my job traveling, sometimes there's times I'm not here. I'm involved in the community. So there's times where I'm not here.
[00:08:06] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, I know those times. Very familiar with those.
[00:08:10] Speaker B: There's times where I'm not here and you're having conversations with the kids. And at first, I was upset that I'm not part of those conversations, but.
[00:08:19] Speaker A: At the end, being included.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: Not being included. But at the end of the day, I have to trust your judgment because we're a team and we have the same parenting philosophy, and in that moment, you're making the right decision.
[00:08:34] Speaker A: Right. I'm making a community decision. I'm saying yes. To this, because both of us would say yes to this. It has to be like that, which goes back to my favorite philosophy. And what I actually wanted to call the podcast was, am I getting it right? Because I ask that question of myself daily. Did I do that right?
[00:08:56] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:56] Speaker A: Am I doing this wrong? Am I messing up what's going on here?
[00:09:02] Speaker B: But I think also, too, we do try in those moments where there's things that, yes, we can make that judgment decision, but then there's also moments where we both know, hey, this is a bigger decision, especially because our kids are teenagers and we want to have both of us involved. Maybe it's because we want backup, because this is definitely not a conversation.
[00:09:25] Speaker A: A lot of times, two heads are better than one. Yeah, I might not see things the way you see it, and then you might not see it the way I see it. And just by having that little debrief, we get to go, okay, now, as a collective, we can kind of approach it like this.
[00:09:43] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:44] Speaker B: Well, and with teenagers, we each bring different experiences that we can kind of share.
But in that moment, I think taking that moment of pause and going, no, I want to pause this conversation and have a conversation later.
[00:10:04] Speaker A: Put a pin in it.
[00:10:05] Speaker B: Put a pin in it is good.
Although sometimes that makes the kids uneasy.
[00:10:11] Speaker A: It does.
[00:10:12] Speaker B: But I think it shows them that we're on the same team, which is part of this whole kind of concept when we look forward to them eventually picking a partner, if that's what they want to do.
I hope that they have a partner who is on their same team. I do not want my kids to have a partner where they don't feel they're on the same team.
[00:10:39] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:39] Speaker B: That would just freaking suck.
[00:10:41] Speaker A: Crystal clear communication, being on the same page, understanding what that looks like.
We navigated it with the oldest. We're now currently navigating it with the middle child.
It's presenting some very interesting things.
[00:11:02] Speaker B: Yeah. But at the end of the day, we joke about the baby gazelle, but it's a quick little reminder. We can be like, it's just a.
[00:11:08] Speaker A: Hey, don't be that guy.
[00:11:09] Speaker C: Don't be that guy.
[00:11:11] Speaker A: Don't be that guy.
Get back on board.
[00:11:14] Speaker B: Get back on board.
And it's a lot easier to stay on the same page than it is.
Undo the work, because we've had those moments. I mean, it takes a lot of work to stay on the same page.
[00:11:34] Speaker A: Yeah.
For example, let's say you put in two weeks of effort. Hey, did you take out the trash? Hey, did you take out the trash. Hey, did you take out the trash? All of a sudden it becomes a habit. And then all of a sudden one day you don't ask, did you take out the trash? And three days goes by and you go, well, I guess I'm doing the trash or something because that's what I find myself doing that all the time.
[00:11:57] Speaker B: We just had this come up with, feeding the dogs. I happen to get up early in the morning. We are a perfect match in the fact that I am the early morning person and I am, he's the late night owl, so I am up early with the kids when they go to school. I always have been.
[00:12:13] Speaker A: Not that I don't get up early with the kids.
[00:12:16] Speaker B: Not that he doesn't. He generally tends to do that when I am traveling for work.
[00:12:23] Speaker A: Well, somebody's got to hold him accountable.
Let's be honest here.
[00:12:27] Speaker B: But when I was traveling, he fed the dogs for two weeks because it was just, quote, easier than having the kids do them. And both of the kids, it is their responsibility to feed the dogs in the morning because in the afternoon they both have various activities. So we'll do it in the afternoon. In the morning, they have plenty of time to feed our three dogs. And frankly, part of that, they wanted the dogs.
[00:12:57] Speaker A: You can't just love on the dog and not take care of it and.
[00:12:59] Speaker B: Not take care of it. Let's have some ownership besides yourself, like beyond self focus.
[00:13:06] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:13:06] Speaker B: Well, two weeks of you feeding the dogs. Guess who is now not feeding the dogs? Our children.
[00:13:13] Speaker A: Right.
[00:13:14] Speaker B: And I've been up with the kids for four days in a row. And guess who's fed the dogs every day?
Me.
So we've undone all of the work that we did in two weeks. And that's where right again.
[00:13:29] Speaker A: Am I getting it right?
[00:13:31] Speaker B: No, but that's just it. We're not going to get it right all the time.
[00:13:35] Speaker A: I don't expect to.
[00:13:36] Speaker B: That's where having those debriefs and check ins, we come back together and go, hey, we still have to hold them accountable.
We can't be that baby gazelle. And we have to hold them accountable because it's a lot harder to undo that and get back on track than it would be if we just stuck to it the first time.
[00:13:58] Speaker A: Right?
That's for sure.
Yeah. That is.
Wow.
Feels bad, man.
Feels bad.
[00:14:11] Speaker C: Don't feel bad.
[00:14:12] Speaker A: Feels bad, man.
[00:14:14] Speaker B: There's a reason the dogs follow me all over the house.
[00:14:16] Speaker C: Because I love.
[00:14:17] Speaker A: Yeah.
To my point, which I've told the kids, not only did I say it's easier, but when you're gone, I come out and sit with the dogs and they don't want the hustle and bustle and all the stuff. As soon as the house calms down, one of them will come to me like, we eating today?
Yes, we are. Let me feed you.
[00:14:41] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:14:41] Speaker A: And then the other two are like, oh, we're eating today.
[00:14:45] Speaker B: I appreciate that, but it's a concept of part of our kids responsibilities that we have to.
It's fine.
[00:14:54] Speaker A: Feels bad, man.
[00:14:55] Speaker B: Yeah.
But we have conversations about it. We get it back on track. And that's where that reminder to your partner, your spouse, of, hey, stay on track with this stuff because it's really easy when you're both together. But it is really hard.
[00:15:16] Speaker A: Sometimes. It's not. Sometimes we're in the middle of a conversation and one of us will say something and the other one will go, can I talk to you in the other room?
[00:15:26] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:27] Speaker A: Can we have a little debrief, maybe stop, just put a pin in that.
We'll be right back.
[00:15:34] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:35] Speaker B: And I will say, that's really important.
[00:15:37] Speaker A: It is. To have to catch it in the moment is huge.
[00:15:41] Speaker B: Well, and to have the conversations away from the kids. Away from the kids. Because again, like jackals, if they sense any chink in the armor, they are going to sniff you out. And so we learned that early.
And our kids are really great kids. They're amazing kids, but they're also incredibly intelligent kids, I'm sure, like everyone's kids. And the minute they sense that chink in the armor, especially when it comes to discipline, I think we're kind of old school because of how we were raised.
Discipline, I think, equals success. And we want our kids to take ownership for their actions. But when it comes to those conversations, we do try and have them away from the kids because we want them to see us on the same page. And that's where that whole concept of don't be that baby Gazelle, we're not going to let them see the chinks in the armor. And it's not to say that they haven't seen us work through stuff that's a totally different conversation, a different podcast. But when it comes to, hey, should we maybe take the phone away or should we take the computer away? Things like that? Yeah, that's going to happen offline in a different room. And that's where those debriefs come in for sure.
And they're really smart. They are.
They will sniff you out like they knew he was the guy to go to. For dessert.
The girls know I'm the one to go to for, like, Starbucks or coffee in the morning. They know our weak spots, and they will sniff us. You know, neither one of us are.
[00:17:29] Speaker A: They're. They're. They're very intelligent.
[00:17:31] Speaker B: They're intelligent.
[00:17:33] Speaker A: They're not calculating yet.
[00:17:35] Speaker B: No.
[00:17:36] Speaker A: They don't have calculated attacks. Thank goodness.
[00:17:39] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:40] Speaker A: Because, wow. If they were calculated.
The funny part is that they outnumber us, and they have outnumbered us for a lot of years.
[00:17:50] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:51] Speaker B: Since we got together. And the only thing they haven't figured.
[00:17:53] Speaker A: Out, three on two, and they haven't figured out that they outnumber us. And if they actually work strategically, we could be taken down.
[00:18:01] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:18:02] Speaker B: And they have not figured that out yet.
Maybe if they listen and tune in, they'll now figure that out, and maybe they would work together.
[00:18:10] Speaker A: They won't. We've said it in front of them.
They don't know because they don't know how to get on the same page.
[00:18:16] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:18:17] Speaker B: Well, that's a skill that comes with.
[00:18:19] Speaker A: A lot of sibling rivalry. And she said this, he said that, don't touch me and all that stuff.
[00:18:27] Speaker B: Being on the same team takes some effort and openness.
[00:18:36] Speaker A: You got to be humble.
[00:18:37] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:18:38] Speaker B: And, I mean, it may sound funny saying, don't be the baby gazelle, but it is really a good reminder of be on the same page with your partner, especially when it comes to don't get taken advantage of your kids.
It's not even just being taken advantage of. It's just how you approach things with your kids. Take a moment to be on the same page and be open to things. And whether it's having a discussion with your kids or how you want to approach things, be on the same page with your partner or your spouse. And that's really what it's about.
And it's a funny way to remind yourself of it. But for us, it's really served us well.
[00:19:21] Speaker A: Yeah, it has.
[00:19:23] Speaker B: So, next episode in two weeks.
[00:19:26] Speaker A: Yeah. Looking forward to it.
[00:19:28] Speaker B: Yeah. So, thanks for joining us on the first episode of modern mixtape, navigating modern parenting. My name is Jenny, joined by my husband, Jim. We will see you in two weeks for episode two.
[00:19:41] Speaker A: All right.
[00:19:47] Speaker B: Modern mixtape is produced and recorded by Jenny and Jim Pruden, edited and mixed by Grey Bear Erickson at the sanctuary theme song written and performed by Greybear Erickson.
